Number ones
Pee and flush (try to avoid floor)

Numbers twos
1. After wiping, flush and lift up seat (with foot) for the next person to pee. (Incase the next person needs to do a number two this will give them the impression the no one has pooed in awhile).

2. Ensure lid up to release smell (nothing worse when you have to pee and you get smacked in the face from a stinker)

3. If spray is available, don't hold the container, just use your pink or knuckle and push down to release a small amount of scent to take the edge off it. (assuming it's on a basin or bench).

This is what I do because I'm a nice guy. I never touch the seats with my hands and I try to use paper to unlock/open doors to leave.

- Sit in reverse and s*** on the slope
- Take used toilet paper with you and deposit in adjacent cubicle
- Do not flush

lol! i pee on every roll of TP i can find

http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/ob/publicrestroomsheader_wm.jpg

typwned subject.

Man, you have to be joking? Talk about OCD.

That poster so needs to be placed prominently in the toilets at Flinders St Station, for anyone who has ever been desperate enough to need to go.

I actually worked at a place where someone stuffed a whole newspaper down the s***ter and took a dump on it- why the f*** would someone do that?

for clogs!

for s***s and giggles.


i once caught a dude that worked in the same building as me taking a piss all over the toilet seat (the cubicle door was open). i asked him wtf he was doing and that people sit on those. he just said he didnt give a s*** and will do whatever he wants. hes probably also the one that pisses all over the floor.

you should have back punched him into his own flowing urine stream and said the same

man i could write a novel on toilet etiqutte

The worst public toilet I ever had the misfortune of stumbling into was in Sydney near the shopping centre in Liverpool, it looked like someone had killed a f***ing cat in there- sheesh.

man i could write a novel on toilet etiqutte

bro....cmon.....,my books already been made into a movie.

At my work place they have a sign asking people not to wipe their snot on the walls whilst on the toilet!!!

Went to Finn McCools at Carindale one year for NYE. Around midnight my friend discovered a s*** filled pair of jeans and underpants in one of the cubicles.

Some ten years later it still bugs me to this day about how that guy got out of the place without any pants on.

^ last bit on taggs' image made me lol

http://home.pacific.net.au/~tmcgee/images/aristocrats_wm.jpg

LOL at the dude firing a hadaucken made of s***!

if you work with the public and a toilet you realise how sick people are.

back in the chicken shack days someone took a s*** in one of our toilets and wiped it all over everything

it was a wednesday morning

i had to clean it

sigh

how do you clean something like that? I always wonder that on thos jail shows where the guys wipe their s*** everwhere

This is what I do because I'm a nice guy.

If this were true you'd leave the seat down. Every good boyfriend/husband knows this is the #1 rule.

If we're talking public rest rooms, it's every man, woman and child for themselves.

Apparantly happened in our cafe once - someone smeared s*** all over the wall. It was the women's toilet too which is pretty hilarious. Maybe their latte was cold or something *shrug*

My mate used to work in a nightclub and had to clean a handbasin someone took a dump in..

At high school we had a "special" assembly for all years and it was about someone who took a s*** in the girls toilets then proceeded to draw figures and text all over the walls they wanted the person to come forward because they were concerned about their mental health, i was just worried about some crazy chick throwin' poo at me.

I work in a large building with 300 other people and a bulk email went around work about "excessive use of toilet paper" basically whining about the costs of plumbers thats increased lately and that some toilets have been backed right up with certain nastiness.

In the past we also had an email about someone in the girls toilets leaving presents for people on a regular basis, what the f*** is it with girls and toilets? I see doods at work that don't wash their hands and i go tell everyone not to shake their hands filthy mongrels especially in IT when people are sharing keyboards and mice.

It seems to be a party favourite in pubs and clubs for someone to clog the toilet with paper then proceed to s*** and spew on top.

I had to clean up messes like that all the time when i worked in a bar. f***s me why drunk people always managed to clog the toilets with s*** and spew. Every single Friday night without fail, some douche bag would do it.

They've put a keypad on the door to get back into the office from the dunny at work. One day I would love to smear some nutella on that f***ing thing.

Toilets -
Lets go off a 3 stall system, as this is most common in workplaces and is the place most people s*** outside of home.

Number 2's
Firstly, if someone is already on the toilet, go to the cubical as far as way as possible, This is just a polite thing todo.
Make no noise what so ever untill they leave.
If a third person enters the room after you and they start making noise, then you can start making noise.
If you are the 2nd person in and you finish with out making a sound and notice that the person before you is leaving, stay in your cubical to avoid eye contact.
Make a nest egg, this will prevent that horrid splash sound and protect your butt from public toilet water.
Never answer your phone on the toilet, its ok to text and surf the web, just make sure your phone is on silent.
Pull your pants up, tuck shirt in and get yourself in order before you leave the cubical or open your door.

Number 1's (in a cubical)
Wipe up your piss
Never piss with the cubical door open.
Be as carefull as possible with your aim.. not only is it f***ed to piss on the floor, but the splash back might get the guy in the cubical next to yours shoes.
Do your fly up
Pull your pants up, tuck shirt in and get yourself in order before you leave the cubical or open your door.

Number 1's in a urinal.
Always piss as far away as possible, if you have say a urinal with space for 4 and only 2 people are using it, assume they are at each end. stand next to the shortest person (i dont know why but this make sense in my mind)
Aim straight.
Never glance/look/stare sideways
Never look at your own dick.
Never shake more then 3 times
Never pull your short leg up and puss out the bottom.
Never pull your pants down and pee free standing
Never Talk.

These are my rules, i follow them as best as i can. theres probably more that i cant think of, i belive if everyone followed my rules toilets would be a more enjoyable relaxing place.

You forgot one groganus - don't pose when pissing at a urinal e.g. freestyle with hands up on the wall leaning forwards with legs spread widely - f*** that pisses me off. I dunno why but i get an urge to bash people who do that am i wrong to feel this way?

heh. I am pretty damn close to that groganus. *high five* (cleaned hands)

Never piss with the cubical door open.

dont get what the big deal is here

Always wash your feet in the hand basin before praying to vishnu

how do you clean something like that? I always wonder that on thos jail shows where the guys wipe their s*** everwhere

Any place that is smart about opening a toilet to the public will have tiles from floor to ceiling and a conveniently located fire hose.

Like Spook, back in my service station days I too had to clean up after some disgusting bastard who liked to imitate pro hart with human faeces. I sure as hell wasn't going to crack out the ajax spray and wipe.

From March 27th 2006 to September 12th 2006 I was a glassy at melbas. melbas was literally in it's golden days when I started working there. Every week night the place would be busy, and then on the weekend it would be absolutely packed. I am talking lines stretching all the way down the street both ways every Friday and Saturday night.

Now remember I hadn't started my illustrious career as a security guard yet, I was just a glassy. I worked upstairs in the nightclub and we'd get probably 800 people up there on Fridays and Saturdays (mind you, the capacity was 425, if there had been a fire many would have died). Try and imagine the amount of piss, vomit and s*** 800 pissed and drugged to the hilt loonies can make. There were times when people would spew in the sink and I'd literally have to use my (gloved) fingers to work the spew out of the drain pipe so the soupy mess could flow down it more freely. People would chuck their glasses down the toilet causing blockages that no-one could see. One time someone did this and I ran off to get the stuff to deal with it. As I walk back into the toilets my mate exits the affected cubicle, and I can't help but notice he has just done a s***. Now s***s don't flush that well when glasses are shoved down there. Eventually I got the idea that instead of sticking my multiple garbage bag covered arm down there and plucking the glass out like a piece of corn from a s***, I'd just wrap up a pool cue and use the butt end to smash the glass to pieces.

Ahhhh, the olde glassy days.

i belive if everyone followed my rules toilets would be a more enjoyable relaxing place.

I DO THIS!

but yeah i remember in like year 11 or 12 just having to go to the toilet and someone had taken a s*** all around the seat and on the floor and on the walls....somehow, they apparently found the kid who did it lmfao.

last edited by Basket at 01:20:32 03/Sep/10

The one I just can't fathom, is the practice of doing an epic s***, and then not flushing it or even 'ruining' the log with some toilet paper. It's like they're presenting their masterpiece to the world (thanks, ratemypoo.com)

Someone out there is s***ting without wiping!!

I'm much the same as yourself groganus

Never piss with the cubical door open. - This doesn't phase me, but I won't commonly do it... if it's a known establishment, schmeh

Never shake more then 3 times - Agreed.... it's a little disconcerting when your standing there and the guy next to you.... well, you're not glancing... but you could swear he's choking the chicken or strangling a cat or some-f***ing-thing...

Never Talk. - not so phased by this either.... tho the conversation tends to meet the general 'funk' of the room.... (c'mon... sometimes you walk into a club/pub, and someone has unleashed something un-HOLY, which would typically warrant verbally warning ppl as you leave...)

and for those scenarios where you abso-f***ing-lutley have to annihilate someone's porcelain in the most bastardly fashion possible (typically when drunk)....

Like thermite's example of "Sit in reverse and s*** on the slope"
A.K.A. "The Crock Slide"

Then there's the "Top Deck"
either you've got the runs, or chunder your guts up into the Cistern.... and when the next person hits the flush.... BOOM, suddenly the bowl is much messier than they saw it a moment ago

Or the most heiness(sp?).... It's a little manouvre called the 'Crock-Slide With Suprise'
So you do your business 'in reverse' so it just sits on the front of the porcelain.... then chunder into the cistern.... and... well you get the rest...

This is a SFW example of what happens when you flood the Cistern with something actually quite cool (as opposed to that described above)
Apologies for some of the commentary, and I believe this is how all US toilets Flush.... (I thought it was gonna flood)

So melba's aint busy any more? Havent been back to the gold coast for 3-4 years or so. These toilet things also apply in europe people in general are filthy f***s. One thing that cracks me up is everyone using the disabled toilets thinking its used less when in fact its probably the most used.

lol this is the funniest thread ever... lots of s***s and giggles (pun intended)

Make a nest egg, this will prevent that horrid splash sound and protect your butt from public toilet water.

I do this in all toilets- made me think of a hilarious ( well to me anyway) event. A long time ago I was on my first trip O/S and went to Vancouver via LA. Anyway, I got of at LAX and had to go desperately so I went into the public toilets and went into a cubicle- WTF? the dunny looked like it was backing up and obviously I didn't want any part of that so I proceeded to enter the next one...What? f***! this one as well, I checked them all and they all had the same problem ( must have looked funny through the security camera- I assume there was one in there because it was America) anyway, I chose the lucky recepticle and proceeded to unravel not an insignificant amount of paper to build my anti splash zone and set to work.
Later that day I arrived at my destination in Canada and had to use the loo and guess what- they had a dunny with a more than normal amount of water in it as well. lol

hahaah wiggle, all toilets have much more waters over there :D

Yeah lol I'll be going to the states next week and have to put up with that for 2 weeks

who the f*** takes a s*** away from home anyway!?!??!?!!?

i dont even know how you can go out and need to take a s*** in a club

we have 2 toilets here that are completely seperate and lockable so it's complete privacy when you're in there :]

and for some reason most people seem to use one of them in particular and not the other so i can usually go into the other one without it smelling like it's just been used

the other one always smells like it's just been used for number 2 which amazes me as we don't have that many people in the office for their to be a constant flow of people s***ting in it

oh well, i use the good one

ahaha that video made me squeal like a little girl

Anyone been to China? No etiquette required, it's every man and woman for themselves!

I have 2 memorable examples.

1. No toilet seat just cubicles with no door, all cubicles joined by a trench with running water trickling through it ( trench runs from left to right through all cubicles). Squatting down to have a crap, I am number 3 cubicle, I hear the guy next to me release bombs and watch them flow under my ass with all the fumes associated.

2. Went to stay at a friends farm for a real rural Chinese experience. The family s***ter was literally a hole dug in the ground with a small movable tin shelter. The fun part was the hole had 2 planks across it, you put one foot on each plank. Fun eh? it gets better - when I had to go for a number 2 there was a brief family discussion and my friend and his father followed me to the dunny.

I am errrm wats up?? They were terrified that I was going to fall in and insisted on supporting me ( holding me up by hands by the Dad, my friend behind me with his hands under my armpits ).

I have no shame after 5 yrs in China.

hahah

haha nologic wins

i thought in china they just s*** on the side of the road.

Man... I'm suprised there hasn't been a comment like this already... it is the internets after all.

If shes wearing jeans bend her over and take her from behind, make sure she gets good support against the wall incase of an accident.

If shes wearing a skirt put the toilet seat down so she can sit on your lap with her legs around you.

nah ravn0s, I think you are thinking of Fortitude Valley...

I saw the grunt loos (called so because you grab the pole and grunt squeezing out a hot turd burger) in Asia and they are f***ing nasty, I did not want to even attempt to use this thing so I waited until I found a nice western toilet with jet nozzles, warm hair dryer, etc - f***ing love those things.

The thing that gets me about toilets in the work place is that inevitably somebody always takes a massive f***ing dump and doesn't wipe up properly or they piss all over the floor in the urinal and so on. f*** dudes, we're a small office - get it together.

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y187/jimmyray264/cartman3kv4.gif

Bloody hell, the moron then goes back into the cubicle- what for, to wash his hands in the s***ter? I'd be freaking out if I did that.lol

Probably to hide in shame

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH

man would he feel like an ass

Had to be done really :p

http://a.imageshack.us/img59/8899/ipood.jpg

I bet you all know/have heard about this?

haha NoLogin & infi wins.

Also an appropriate link for this topic:

http://www.gizmodo.com.au/2010/08/the-long-unglamorous-history-of-the-toilet/

heardy has a strange concept of winning.

pretty sure those porta loo's have those pump hand washing stations so i'm guessing he goes back in there to wash all the piss off his hands

what a complete moron though, washing your hands with a f***ing urinal cake?!

Some nice stories.

I agree with groganus.

It's a bit wierd when you are washing your hands after a slash and someone you know walks in, says hi, and then disappears into a cubicle. Then moments later hear them moan followed by an almighty split/fart and s*** pummeling out. No shame, no respect. Not to mention the stench - but I'm usually gone by then....

Also a place I worked at had a regular staff drinks on a Friday once a month. After staying a bit late one night I was second last to leave and thought I better piss before the bus ride home. Upon entering I was greeted with a violent stench and the shocking discovery of a a stool, quite a big stool, laying on the bathroom floor, about 1 meter from the recepticle.

I quickly left telling the last remaining drunk (who was plastered and I suspect was him) that the toilets smell bad - he entered and came back out saying the pipes are blocked and he'll fix it before he goes home!?!

He didn't and Monday morning saw some very angry Partners and the word of the mystery stooler was spreading....

pretty sure those porta loo's have those pump hand washing stations so i'm guessing he goes back in there to wash all the piss off his hands

Yeah maybe, but why didn't he use that in the first place instead of drenching his hands in a continental blend of urine?
BTW, I feel sorry for the next person who visits that cubicle, he put his piss hands all over the handle. lol
Oh yeah, I love how he looks for a deeper part of the trough cause the piss aint deep enough.

What's that fkn public toilet in the valley strip? Only been desperate enough to use that once and it was f***ing disgusting, s*** was everywhere and pretty much the entire floor was piss...

Still i dunno Valley has gone downhill so fast, last 2x i been there i've seen chicks just pissing on the side walk, kinda wtf :|

yer im pretty sure the valley hasn't gotten any worse
its been s*** for a long time

it's been s*** for a long time

ISWYDT

LOL that handwashing fail one was in Haarlem the town I live for the victory celebrations, I think the guy was Polish or something theres quite a few of them living here.

Sounded American to me.

2. Went to stay at a friends farm for a real rural Chinese experience. The family s***ter was literally a hole dug in the ground with a small movable tin shelter. The fun part was the hole had 2 planks across it, you put one foot on each plank. Fun eh? it gets better - when I had to go for a number 2 there was a brief family discussion and my friend and his father followed me to the dunny.

Try having severe food poisoning in Zambia, I had to make the tour bus pull over in some god forsaken village to explosively s*** in a hole in the ground while the village children watched through the ragged cloth that was a door while the "walls" were 4 foot high piles of rocks.

Doesn't beat my wife though who had food poisoning several days before in Malawi, one of the poorest countries in the world, we pulled over for her to run into some bushes near a village. Some villagers ran out and told her to come out of there. She didn't know why so she stayed, then after a bit came running out itching all over. Turns out the "bushes" were poisonous. One villager ran over an grabbed some leaves from some other plant and rubbed it all over her legs to soothe the itching.

Moral of the story is don't eat chocolate from an esky that is full of melted ice water in Africa.

toilettiquite?

valley <3