Today, China had to call off their planned Space Walk.

Apparently, they found a chink in the Space Suit.

oh someone get china some ice for that wicked burn

burn.... hot diggety

knock knock
whos there
i eat mop
i eat mop who
you eat your poo?

today there is one
tomorrow there will be thousands

they're gonna be steal'n our god dam jobs from space

Dam...
http://orovillerelicensing.water.ca.gov/graphics/p_thermalito diversion dam3.gif
Dam...
http://www.mde.state.md.us/assets/image/Liberty Dam.jpg
Dam...
http://www.parks.ca.gov/pages/500/images/folsomdam.jpg

DAMN!
http://img517.imageshack.us/img517/3553/84bf3e83f3fb392df76be6eng3.jpg

is she vanilla or chocolate?

does it matter infi, does it matter????

Women are like video games; they're lots of fun to play with, but it's all over once you beat them.

Isn't it just a little ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing eggs at an abortion clinic?

What do lesbians do after an argument?

They go home and lick each others wounds.

What's a Hindu?
Lay eggs, bro.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What do you do if you're attacked by a bunch of clowns?
Go for the juggler.

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre.
So the bartender gives her one.

incredible vegetable, get the f*** out of this already s*** thread

haha, iv is fast becoming my favourite poster (obvsiouly after myslef)

s*** you love yourself.

matey, i still like your gear as well;

yor john howard man love always brings a smile to my face

hahahahhah ^ we have a winner.

obvsiouly after myslef

I've never seen this myslef guy post..

http://www.boredomistan.com/linked/howardlulz.jpg

lol spook winz

HAHAHAHA Mr Hardware! Hilarious!

that got a hahahahaha in nov 2007 when it was first published.

reckon ^

http://i182.photobucket.com/albums/x56/maxe1/ringringringdk6.jpg

maxe, that's appealing.

You mean appalling, right? RIGHT??!?

Got an actual LOL out of me maxe, which is more than I can say for the rest of the thread....someone save it :(

Got an actual LOL out of me maxe, which is more than I can say for the rest of the thread....someone save it :(

I giggled at these

What has Titanic and Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

Paddy is in the disco. He asks a girl, "fancy a shag?"
She replies, "sorry, I'm on my menstrual cycle."
"Great," says Paddy, "I'm on my scooter, I'll follow you home."

What do you call an Irishman who stands outside in the driving rain.

Paddy O'Furniture.

A guy walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants.
The psychiatrist said: "well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

A man walks into a bar with a piece of Tarmac under his arm.
He says to the barman: "A pint for me, and one for the road."

A guy phones the local hospital and yells, "you've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!"
The nurse says, "calm down. Is this her first child?" He replies, "no! This is her husband!"

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum."
Doctor: "I've got some cream for that."

A patient says: "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter.' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life'."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's actually dead."
There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

More jokes and/or suicide by request...

You should work for a Christmas Bon-Bon mob.


Why can't barbie get pregnant?

Ken comes in a different box.

<sexism mode>

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

What do you do when the dishwasher stops working?
Kick her in the arse.

Why do women wear white on their wedding day?
All kitchen items come in white.

</sexism mode>


Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. Choked.

Spoiler:
What do you get when you put a baby in a blender feet first?
An erection.

what happens when you put a baby in the microwave?
i don't know, i was too busy masturbating.

and one for all the uni students out there.

how many griffith students does it take to change a lightbulb?
one, but only if they can do it online from home.

how many qut students does it take to change a lightbulb?
two. one to change the bulb and one to tell anyone who'll listen they did it just as well as any uq student.

how many uq students does it take to change a lightbulb?
pffffft. uq students don't change lightbulbs.

i was just reminded of this golden oldie

A woman walks into a supermarket and buys:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
1 can of Soup For One
1 16oz can of Miller Lite

The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, are you?"

The woman smiles sweetly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He replies, "Because you're ugly."

Must be old, but I heard it today...

What does Micheal Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

They both leave little kids rooms with empty sacks.

Michael Jackson thought Boyz2Men was a takeaway.

aahaha infi.

lol infi!

direct copy/paste from my jokes.txt

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Fish


Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey pal, care for a drink?" Descartes replies, "I think not!"

and *poof*, he vanishes

A gay guy is on a vacation in Dublin. One day he walks into a pub and sits down next to the biggest, burliest

Irishman he sees, sidles over, and whispers
"Hey, cutie. How about a blowjob?" At that, the Irishman grabs the gay guy by his collar, headbutts him, and boots

him out the door of the pub.

Sitting back down, the Irishman's buddy says to him,
"Jesus, Mickey, you sure gave it to that lad. What'd he say to ya'?"

"I don't know, something about a job..."


What did Ryu say to Ken after Ken called him dumb?

Shoryuken!

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.


An employee is called into his boss's office.

"The quality of your work has really gone down recently, but before you were doing so well, what happened?"

"Well boss, I'll confide in you. I've been drinking brake fluid."

"Brake fluid!? I think you have a serious problem."

A group of Florists in New York gathered together one day to discuss their recent problems. You see, a bunch of holy

men had started setting up shop all over town and selling flowers at a much lower rate than any of the shops. If it

weren't for repeat business, they probably would have been out of business.

After much discussion, they finally came up with a plan. One of the florists knew of a Thug-For-Hire that could take

care of any problem. They all chipped in and approached the Thug with their story. "Well, if you have the dough,

then Hugh McTaggert is your man!" The shop owners were thrilled about their new ally.

Over the next few weeks, Hugh went from place to place, threatening the competition, trashing their carts, and even

taking some of the money. After another week or so, the holy men pulled their operations out of town and the flower

business all went back to the local shops and everyone prospered.

Which only proves the moral of this story: Hugh, and only HUGH, can prevent Florist Friars.

"No I don't, I can stop whenever I want to!"


why did the scarecrow win an award?
for being outstanding in his field


What do you call a midget party?

A Little Get together.

What did one snowman say to the other?

Smells like Carrots.


What's a s***zu?
a zoo with no animals.


Whats the difference between a porcupine and Mercedes Benz?

-The pricks are on the outside of the porcupine.



How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One screw it in, and one to hold the penis... er.. LADDER



How do you sell a duck to a man who's hard of hearing?

(scream) YOU WANNA BUY A DUCK?!

Two antennae met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was amazing.


A man is sitting in his local pub, nursing a pint and looking glum. The barman asks what the problem is.

"It's my granny" the man replies, "she's not very well. The doctors reckon she's not got long left."

"That's terrible!" exclaims the barman, "Here's the number of an alternative therapist. Perhaps he can help."

The man takes the number and leaves. A few days later he's back, crying into his beer. The barman asks what's wrong.

"It's my granny" the man replies, "she died this morning. The doctors did all they could for her but she slipped

away."

The barman considers this for a second and asks "Did you try the alternative therapist I suggested?".

"Yeah, he said to rub wax on her back, so I gave it a try. She went downhill very fast after that."

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm going deaf!"
"Well what are the symptoms?"
"They're a yellow cartoon family."

08453454251
My friend Sid was a victim of ID theft. We just call him S now.

What's the stupidest animal in the jungle?

Polar bear.

What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gave it to her.

I hear corduroy pillows are making headlines.


Two Dyslexics walk into a bra

Why did the DJ panda get lost?

Because the junglist massive.

Why does Karl Marx drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

There was a pun contest at my school recently. The rules were that any entrant could enter up to ten puns in the

contest. So I entered ten of my best puns and I was pretty sure I was going to win, but no pun in ten did.


What's got 8 legs and flies?

2 dead horses

Q: What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A: A new last name!

A sailor meets a pirate at a bar, and the two spend the evening exchanging stories of their adventures at sea.
The sailor is amazed at the pirate's salt, despite the pirate being significantly disfigured from his years of

pirating. After a few beers, the sailor has to ask: "So, how'd you end up with the peg leg?"
The pirate says, "Arr, my ship and I were braving a leviathan storm, when a wave swept me overboard. The men pulled

me up from the sea, but not before a shark had taken me leg."
"Blimey!" says the sailor. Wondering further, he asks, "Pirate, what about your hook?"

"Ahhh," says the pirate. "My men and I boarded a trader ship, cutlasses and flintlock a-ready for takin' the vessel

by force. In the fracas, a man's blade took me hand."

"Zounds!" says the sailor. Prodding the pirate again, he asks, "How about the eyepatch?"
"Aaaaaaaye," the pirate says, taking a deep gulp of ale. "A seabird dropping fell in me eye."

The sailor is incredulous. "What?!" he says, "You lost your eye from a bird dropping? How?!"
"Arr," the pirate says, "It was me first day with the hook."

http://ourfounder.typepad.com/leblog/WindowsLiveWriter/Menu.jpg

Korbs that was all sorts of fail...or maybe im just dumb.

Nope, you were right, it really was all sorts of fail.

What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA

Yeah the Snoop gag for the win in that list.

Pirate one also got a chuckle.

What do you call 100 heavily armed lesbians?

Militia Etheridge.

A man with downs syndrome walks into a bar.
The barman says, ''why the mong face?''

My girlfriend said she wanted to try and get rid of her love handles.
I said she would look f***ing stupid without any ears.

My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big f***ing red mark on her forehead.

Ultimate phone prank:

1. Call the Childline number and say, "I've just pressed redial and this number came up, who is this?"

2. Operator replies, "you're through to Childline."

3. You shout, "TERRY, YOU LITTLE c***, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD" before hanging up the phone.

nice, dirtyape.

nice, dirtyape.

I am trying and these should earn me a spot in hell.


A woman runs into a police station shouting, "Grape! Grape!"

The cop says, "don't you mean rape, maam?"

The woman says, "no, there were bunch of them!"


I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.

Unfortunately, it's only for victims.


If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape... or shoplifting?


Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Bit of both, this is a rape.

f***ING LOL DirtyApe to the rescue!


Why the mong face?! LOL!

i like the militia one (h5)

I entered the Young Musician of the Year last week.

He didn't half scream.


In a recent interview Lisa Marie Presley was asked why she had divorced Michael Jackson? "Well," she replied "I knew it was over when I told him I wanted to have kids and he said he already had."


What's the male equivalent of a feminist?

A sexist.


An officer pulls up at the scene of an accident where a car has driven through a field, killed several livestock and crashed into a barn. He decides to interview Steve who is struggling to keep his balance and is being propped up by Karen.
"Been out for a few have we mate?" asks the officer.
"Shuure ave mate" grins Steve.
"I realise you are very drunk sir," states the officer, "but that is absolutely no excuse to let your wife drive you home!"


Why are uncles like curries?

Bad ones hurt your arsehole.


Being a paedophile is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs:

You know that it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.


The girl next door has a life-threatening condition.

She is fancied by me.


I will stop now

http://jj.am/gallery/d/58986-1/Snoop.jpghttp://jj.am/gallery/d/58797-2/Eat_mop.jpghttp://img370.imageshack.us/img370/2026/9397je0.jpg


last edited by Mr Hardware at 19:28:25 03/Oct/08

why does batman suddenly go to the other side of the table

yu tell me thermite

dirtyape, i have a long list and they are going on it. bravo.
also: what's about two and a half feet long, black, blue and shakes?
the fourteen year old curled up in my boot.

what's more fun than spinning a baby around on the clothes line?
stopping it with a shovel.

last edited by z0r at 19:41:27 03/Oct/08

what's the difference between a pedophile and acne?

acne waits until you're at least 14 to cum on your face.

I don't have any good child sex crime jokes

My gran always gets me socks for my birthday and Christmas.

She says, "You can never have too many socks, my love".

You can if you're Heather Mills.

My boss is black and this week he called me into his office and accused me of being racist.

I told him I don't like his tone.

I'm so s*** in bed I give women rohypnol after sex so they can't tell anyone.

What's the difference between a washing machine and a 16 yr old girl?

A washing machine does not follow you around for a fortnight saying it loves you after you've dumped your load in it!

last edited by Reverend at 10:19:31 05/Oct/08

last edited by Reverend at 10:20:26 05/Oct/08