This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

Anyway the fella who was driving got out... And he was a dwarf!!!!

He said "I'm not happy"........

I said "Well , which one are you then ? "

hahah

lolz

Hehe, i get jokes.

i like turtles

haha....dwarf jokes eh.

An elf is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a dwarf. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the elf doesn't get uncomfortable until the dwarf drags a small step ladder up next to him, climbs it, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.
"Wow," comments the dwarf, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

Surprised and flattered, the elf thanks the dwarf and starts to move away.

"Listen, I know this is a rather strange request," says the little fellow, "but I wonder if you would mind if I touched them."

Again the elf is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he obliges the request. The dwarf reaches out, gets a tight grip on the elf's balls, and says, "Okay, hand me your platinum or I'll jump off the ladder!"

^^^ Boooooo!

Loki has sand in his mangina! That first one was lol.

Wow Loki, got hate?

Yeh, dunno wtf was up with that, but see you in 2 weeks.

hahaha pwned

heh!

haha, suck it loki

Special Text Dan to the rescue

I missed out, so why dont you fill me in?

I thought the 2nd one was funny too

is it wrong for the special text to give me a horn when it acts masculine like that?

Yeh, dunno wtf was up with that, but see you in 2 weeks.

Uh, yeah ... its loki.

Two Australian builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

Haha, nice one

8-)

haha fb

Hah, clever.

the version I've heard has the punchline: "Do you have a dog? No? f*****!"

Yer but his was funnier

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30.
SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, S0, HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY, THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT, EQUALS $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

Oh f*** I hate that

$25 cant be divided by 3 evenly so they didn't pay $9 each.

Yeah I got it

They paid Ten Each

Got one back which makes the 27

The difference of two is between 25 and 27, not 27and 30

The difference of two is between 25 and 27, not 27 and 30

Hmmm...close....can you provide the breakdown to solve the problem?

no, i dont come to qgl to do maths

of the 27 that has now been paid by the three men, the manager has 25, and the bellboy has 2

30 is no longer relevant

hahahaha....ok...no maths.

The Room cost... $25.00
The boy took.... $2.00
Total cost...... $27.00 = 3 x $9.00

too long didnt read..

lol @ 1st

Consider a "game" played by convicts and a prison warden.

Each prisoner lines up in a line facing forwards towards the next prisoner. Each prisoner is randomly given either a black hat or a white hat once they are standing in line.

Each prisoner cannot see prisoners standing behind him or his own hat but can see all prisoners and their hats standing in front of them.
(eg, the guy at the back can see all the hats but his own and the guy in the front can see nothing).

Now suppose the Warden starts at the back (the guy who can see all hats but his own) and asks each prisoner sequentially from back to front what colour hat the prisoner has on. Each prisoner may only say, "Black" or "White". If correct, he lives, else he is shot.

The advantage the prisoners have, is that before they play the game, they get together and discuss a strategy to maximise the number of survivors. The total number of black hats and white hats are unknown (so for arguments sake they could all be wearing black hats once the game begins). However they each know the total number of prisoners playing the game.

The best strategy results in the last person (starting point) having a 50/50 chance of dying and the rest survive with certainty.
What strategy did they use?

The first prisoner called out the colour of the hat that the prisoner in front of him was wearing. The first prisoner had a 50/50 chance of it being right, but the prisoners that followed had already had the colour of their hat called out by the previous prisoner.

:) Am I Right

well that's all well and good for the second person... but what about the third person?

1st prisoner calls the colour of 2nd prisoner, 2nd prisoner calls the colour of 3rd prisoner, 3rd prisoner calls the colour of 4th prisoner..etc etc etc. The only prisoner that doesn't know for sure the colour of his hat is the first prisoner, who has a 50/50 chance of getting it right.


Edit: AHHHHH....doesn't work :(

The first prisoner kills the warden.... :) and has a 50/50 chance of being taken out by the other guards.....game over....all other prisoners survive.

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57; we drank and bulls***ted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:
"Mum, you still awake?"

what happened after that?

the mother's funeral is next week

1st prisoner calls the colour of 2nd prisoner, 2nd prisoner calls the colour of 3rd prisoner, 3rd prisoner calls the colour of 4th prisoner..etc etc etc. The only prisoner that doesn't know for sure the colour of his hat is the first prisoner, who has a 50/50 chance of getting it right.


Edit: AHHHHH....doesn't work :(

i reckon thats the right way to look at it thought.

you have to minimise the odds and save as many as you can.

the first prisoner calls out the seconds colour.
the second prisoner gets his right.
the third starts again at 50/50.
the forth gets it right.
the fifth starts at 50/50 again
so on and so forth

therefore you save at least half the prisoners and the other half are at 50/50 chance.

big

?

probability says 75 percent saved.

The best strategy results in the last person (starting point) having a 50/50 chance of dying and the rest survive with certainty.

ahh thats the money there isnt it.

the prisoners have to state the colour of their own hats

but they could come up with a system of telling the guy in front the colour of his hat based on what tone of voice you use to say the colour of your own hat

what happened after that?

The mind boggles...hahahaha. I guess it involved a lot of wobbly wrinkly bits...

they could come up with a system of telling the guy in front the colour of his hat based on what tone of voice you use to say the colour of your own hat

10/10 for that one Insom, hadn't even considered that option. Yell for Black, soft for white tells the guy in front what colour hat they have. The first guy has the 50/50 shot, and from then on each prisoner knows the colour of their hat from the tone used by the previous prisoner. I like it... ^_^

Now to find another one....... :P

The path to enlightenment lies behind one of two doors. In front of each door stands a guard who knows which door leads to enlightenment, but one of the guards always lies and the other one always tells the truth. In your search for enlightenment, you are allowed to ask one guard only one question that can be answered "yes" or "no", but unfortunately, you do not know which guard is the liar. You will be banished to the dungeon of logical illiteracy if you fail in your quest. What question should you ask to find the path to enlightenment?

ask guard A if guard B would say guard A is guarding the door to enlightenment

that is such a f***ing old one, it's in every children's adventure books, several kid's cartoons, etc... may have even been on the Simpsons or something...

Ask Guard #1 What door Guard #2 would tell you to go in, then go in the opposite.

Was Insom's answer the real answer? It would certinly work, but is there an 'official' answer from wherever you got the question from?

The path to enlightenment lies behind one of two doors. In front of each door stands a guard who knows which door leads to enlightenment, but one of the guards always lies and the other one always tells the truth. In your search for enlightenment, you are allowed to ask one guard only one question that can be answered "yes" or "no", but unfortunately, you do not know which guard is the liar. You will be banished to the dungeon of logical illiteracy if you fail in your quest. What question should you ask to find the path to enlightenment?

I prefer these guys explanation:http://www.giantitp.com/comics/images/oots0327.gif

Q: What would you call the flintstones if they were black?

A: n*****s.


Q: What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A: A PILOT YOU RACIST c***!

Would the other guard say that you are guarding the path to enlightenment?

Jim gets the prize ^_^

There are twelve identical-looking balls, but one is either heavier or lighter than the other eleven. How can you determine which is the odd ball and find out whether this ball is heavier or lighter than the others using only three weighings with a balance?

At first I got this far...

Weigh two lots of 6 and discard the lighter lot.

Weigh two lots of 3 and discard the lighter lot.

You are left with balls A,B and C. Wiegh A and B, if one weighs more it's that ball, if they are the same it's ball C.


-------------------------------------------------------------------

There are two rooms, separated from each other down a corridor going around a couple of corners...

|---------|
| |
[Room 1]---------| |---------[Room 2]

There is a door where each room meets the corridor, so there is no way you can see the second room from the first, or light coming from under the door. There is also no CCTV etc.

[Room 1] has three light switches, [Room 2] three lights, each switch corresponding to one of the lights.

You are told you can do whatever you want in [Room 1] and then you can go down the corridor to [Room 2]. When you get there you must identify which switch lined up to all three lights.

My leet corridor ASCII picture got owned. Simply put, you can't see the second room from the first, or even see under doors etc.

Another one.

Four people must cross a bridge at night.

They can cross at these speeds, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes and 1 minute.

They have one torch, and due to the condition of the bridge they must use the torch when crossing.

The bridge can only support two people at once.

If two people cross at once, they can't throw the torch back, one must take it back (taking more time).

If two people cross at once, it takes the slower persons time.

They must all get to the other side in 17 minutes or you fail.

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

P.S. can someone make a thing like potatowned for me using Scorpion from Mortal Combat that says SCORPIOWNED?