Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH NO!" President Bush exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.


Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

made me lol but im drunk :/

i didnt laugh the first time nor on the second.

also, this is an old blond joke.

hahaha i didnt mind it :p

I liked it, wife didn't very much but it doesn't convert well to swedish.

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.

He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00. The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free. The next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The Bishop was buried the next day.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "s***! THAT'S the word!”

would have made me lol if it wasn't so darn old.

Sorry for the caps.



Why I Fired My Secretary

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT

MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE

PLEASANT AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY

BIRTHDAY."




I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.

MY KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD. SO WHEN I LEFT FOR

THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT DESPONDENT.




AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD MORNING,

BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST SOMEONE HAD

REMEMBERED. I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR

AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR

BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."




I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY.

LET'S GO!" WE WENT TO LUNCH. BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD

GO. WE DINED INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO

MARTINIS EACH AND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY . ON THE WAY BACK TO

THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY... WE DON'T

NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?"




I RESPONDED, "I GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S

GO TO MY APARTMENT."




AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF

YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL

BE RIGHT BACK."




"OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.




SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT

CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE... FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS

OF MY FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".




AND I JUST SAT THERE...




ON THE COUCH...




NAKED.

hahahaha keep them coming i need a laugh

lol slinky

BHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA slinky, thats gold... hahahah!

president one was just dumb, secretary one wins, preachers' ass just went on too long imho

yup, a good laugh at the secretary one.

THE NURSING HOME POLICE

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around
the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum
speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the men actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when Fast Eddie
outstretched his hand.
"STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that
thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper,
and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP!" "Have you got proof of
insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up
to him.
Harold nodded, and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, with a very sizable erection.

"Oh, good grief," cried Ethel, "Not the Breathalyser again!"