Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says "dam"

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'.
" That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was
artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a
look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's
cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't
reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with nuts
& hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

Two fish are in a tank
One says to the other "I'll man the guns, you drive"

Hehe I like i like

Old but still ok. Heres a few more:

There were two sausages in a fry pan, one says to the other "My its hot in here" the other replies "Argh! A talking sausage!"

Whats red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket!

Whats blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.

What did the man say when he couldn't find his tractor?
Where's my tractor?

Why did Susy fall off the swing?
Cause she had no arms!

Why couldn't Geoff ride a bike?
Cause he had no legs!

Why did the helicopter crash?
Cause its pilot was a tomato.

oooo its old, so old.


Shutup you little bitch and get back to class.

"A Cat Story"

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.
The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.
The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom of the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH !!!!! ............he fell in.

The moral of the story is:
The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!

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Temptation...The Other White Meat

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?"

The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."

The rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate... but..."

The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."

The two resumed their reading. There was silence for a while.

Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?!"

----------

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"
"No" her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" Mom asked.
"Yes."
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick'."

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My uncle spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back.
During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door. On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister.
He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."
The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"
My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

----------

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:
"Three f***ing years I've spent learning to swim with my f***ing ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"

A son asked his father, "Dad, what's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" The Father replied, "If you really want to know, go ask your mother if she'll sleep with Robert Redford for one million dollars, and then go ask your sister if she'll sleep with Brad Pitt for one million dollars. And then go ask your brother if he'll sleep with Tom Cruise for one million dollars, and then come back to me and tell me what you found out." So the son goes to his mom and says,
"Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" and the mom says "For a Million Dollars, Hell yeah I would, I've been wanting to forever!"
So the son goes to his sister and asks her if she'll sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars and the sister says "Oh man, would I ever!!! I'd Love To!!" So then the son goes to his brother and says,
"Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" and the brother says, "Hmm...for a million dollars, well...a million dollars is a lot of money, so...yeah I guess I'd do it for a million dollars" So the boy goes back to his dad and the dad says to his son, "Well, what did you find out???" and his son replies, "Well, we're Potentially sitting on three million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts and a fag."